“When are you going to do something with your writing?” My husband queried a few years back. “I don’t want to have to deal with your writing posthumously.”
Well now that was encouraging, I must say. The nerve. Posthumously…yikes! That’s a big word—and a bigger thought. I am getting older…and so it goes.
At last I have something published, something sweet: “The Tale of R-Qu…a rock falls off his mountain.” R-Qu has begun an enchanting journey into the world. I am grateful, humbled.
What of the rest of my writings. What of the rest of my life? Big questions.
And now today I’ve learned that one of my rocks has ‘fallen off his mountain’, my beloved cousin Larry. His body is badly damaged and struggling to survive. Blood clots everywhere including his brain and a mass on his pancreas—the medical details are overwhelming, unreal and not necessary to talk about.
It is the man—the beloved, brilliant doctor cousin, my mom’s favorite nephew. The one I looked goo- goo -eyes at when he and his brother Bob came to visit San Diego. He was 15, I was about 10—so long ago, and yet…wasn’t it just yesterday?
It was he, Larry, who wanted to know his cousins better as the years passed and distances separated. He made it happen. Sullivan family reunions at the bay and the beach happened because of this mighty, caring man.
Words, and wordlessness, memories and musings flood my mind mixed with tears, the sorrows of loss.
The truth of my own aging is upon me. The unanswered questions, the questions I’m afraid to ask, the sorrow of time passing, the joy of time passing. Choices to make…go with the flow, be carried? or run like the wind ahead of the flow. Who is to know? What’s in a life anyway?
And so I close with a prayer to God. It is the best thing I know. He is the best thing I know: my source of hope, my source of love, my source of joy and my rock of strength.
Lord, just for today hold my need to know answers…any answers. Let me rest in you in trust to be carried even when I choose to run. Wrap your loving, creative, healing, arms around my cousin. Place him in your perfect peace so that even if he can’t speak he will know your presence to the core and rise above all fear.
Infuse us, his family with awareness of your presence so that we too will have the courage of faith—that we all may be one in You Oh holy God, maker of us all. Into your hands Oh Lord we commend our bodies and our spirits and whatever time we are given to enjoy your beautiful world and each other. Help us never take for granted the present moments you grace us with and help us be ready to greet you face to face when that time comes for each of us. Amen.